My favourite interview questions

Whether you were accepted for that job or not, we've all had terrible interview moments. It may just be that awkward silence when they ask you an unexpected question, or it may genuinely be a sudden racist outburst. Below are some of the most spectacularly banal interview questions, and how to answer them!

Q: Are you willing to put in long hours?
A: I believe in getting - the job - done  *stern hand gestures*
Real Answer: Hours are always the same length. Idiot.

Q: What are your requirements?

A: A hardworking team and YOU as my boss!

Real Answer: My screen not visible and Facebook not blocked.

Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: In this same industry, in a reasonably higher position... hopefully in this firm!
Real Answer: Five whole years?? I don't even set my table for fear of being presumptuous! 

Q: Do you mind formatting 300-page Word documents? (or any other admin task)
A: I believe that a business is a well-oiled machine - with each part equally important! *hand out real estate pamphlet*

Real Answer: Ever since I was a wee one I dreamt of aligning bullet points and organising style sheets. 

Q: What's your dream job?

A: Junior Analyst for Homewares and Whitegoods
Real Answer: YouTube 

Q: What's your greatest flaw?
A: I'm a perfectionist and sometimes I push myself tooooo hard. *fist pump*
Real Answer: REALLY gossipy. I've been making faces to your assistant every time you've put your head down. 

Q: Do you mind if we contact your references?
A: Of course not, please feel free. *gliding hand gesture of amicability*
Real Answer: Yes, but only those numbers I provided you. If you call my former workplace, anything they tell you is a lie. 

Q: What are your salary expectations?
A: The industry standard will do. Me? I'm into career progression!
Real Answer: GIMME GIMME GIMME

Recruitment lingo lesson #1

"Confusion of Tongues" (Wiki Commons)

After job-fossicking for a while, you tend to get very sick of the same language that job advertisements use. I call it HR-ese. The following are my least favourite examples:

Demonstrated ability - I'm glad they added the 'demonstrated', because otherwise I would've written on my CV "Fluent in French... well I just know I can if I believe."

Proven leader - Let me drag out some of the international students I guilted into working during my group work at uni. They can give you some tearful testimonies if you're looking proof.

Your strong interpersonal skills - They're very strong. In fact, they're the strongest! Others' interpersonal skills appear puny and insignificant next to mine!

For a confidential chat - That's a shame - since my reflex over the phone is to ask the recruter whether that colorectal cancer has gone systemic yet.

Project Management - the two vaguest words in the English language. This could mean anything from overseeing the removal of malarial mosquitoes from Equatorial Guinea to 'managing' ingredients in your assembly of a killer soufflé. Whatever the case, I especially hate when it's used as a verb.

"You will be project managing stakeholder agreements"

Mmmmm steak holders. Add a comment...

Hello world

I started this blog because I'm a graduate loser. My friends, relatives and postpersons are all irritated by my complaining so I thought I'd borrow the global audience of the Internet to broadcast my qualms.

Qualm #1: I'm a graduate without a job

Qualm #2: I have massive expectations from being brought up on glossy law TV shows and capitalism.

Qualm #3: the motivation to stop living off train station sushi at 3pm when it goes on sale.

Now just to get things straight, I've had jobs both good and bad, so I know a LITTLE something about what to expect in the Australian job market. This is why I'm not going to settle for just anything for my next job.

So if you're also watching too much The Circle, Oprah and Zumba infomercials, come and join!